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I really miss #breastfeeding

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I never thought I would this way. My journey with breastfeeding was a hard one. Anthony went on a 7 day hunger streak and I caved. I had no support and was only 20. I didnt even know anyone who breastfed. Everyone used formula.
Joey wanted to nurse but he was always attached. Whenevr I took him off to lay him down he would cry. I had a 12 month old to run after so it was just too much for me.
Wih Serenity I had my heart set on nursing her. But when developed jaundice and wasn’t gaining any weight the doctors said I had to supplement my nursing. That first bottle was all it took and she wants no part of nursing.
I truly thought my chancing of successfully nursing one of children was gone, a thing of the past. Then my surprise baby showed up. I knew I was going to do whatever possible to nurse her. But it was so hard. First I wasn’t making enough milk, the same problem as Joey and Serenity. I took the fenugreek until I smelled like syrup. I pumped and pumped to increase supply and so that I could give her that instead of formula. But she wouldn’t sleep and always wanted to nurse. My nipples hurt bad, I was so tired, and in the middle of the night I would sit in m bed nursing her and just cry. I just couldn’t do it. It was the worse feeling I have ever felt. But I kept saying I will the it just one more day. Then I just want to make it until she is 2,3,4,5,6… weeks. And slowly it got easier. I started nursing while laying down, which led to co-sleeping. Something I never thought I would do. Before long I couldn’t wait for night when I could snuggle up with her in my bed and cuddle her all night nursing. And while i did finally need to move her to her own crib so I could sleep better, she still nursed like a champ. She was thriving and loved to nurse. I loved it too.
She weaned during the day and inky nursed at naps and bed at 18 months.
At 20 months I started feeling it was time to wean completely. She was getting demanding to nurse, trying to take out my breast on her own and would throw a temper tantrum if the answer was no. It was time to wean. So we slowly worked it out. Only nursing if she was upset. It has 3 weeks and she hasn’t nursed at all. My sweet girl is done nursing. And I can’t believe how much I miss it. I miss holding her all snuggled up while she nursed. I miss the way she held my breast while she nursed and looked up at me. I miss laying in bed with her while she breastfed. I just miss all of it. There are times I actually ache for it.
I don’t know if someone if is because she is my last baby I get this with or just miss that connection. But either way I truly never thought I would feel this way.

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